You Have Me, But You Don't
by Donna Lynn
Summary: She was able to fend off everyone else's dreams but his always found a way inside.


**You Have Me, But You Don't  
Author:** Donna Lynn  
**Status:** incomplete  
**Word Count:** 1,390  
**Category:** Angst  
**Spoilers/Rumors:** Serenity: The Movie  
**Season:** Movie  
**Rating:** R  
**Content Warning:** Language and some description of sexual content, innuendo's.  
**Summary:** She was able to fend off everyone else's dreams but his always found a way inside.  
**Author's Note:** I know this has been done before but I plan on this being a multiple chapter story at a gradual pace.  
**Pairing:** Mal/River  
**Disclaimer:** The characters of **Serenity** do not belong to me. So **DO NOT** sue me!

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River bolted upright in bed with a quiet gasp. Sweat glistened her trembling skin and her heart thundered in her chest. Another dream slipped inside catching her off guard. _It's just a dream…can't help what you dream…_she swung her legs over the side of her bunk and rested her elbows on her knees closing her eyes in hopes of wiping the visions away. That was the third one this week. She couldn't understand it. She was able to fend off everyone else's dreams but his always found a way inside.

These weren't his usual nightmares. Not the usual nightmares of his time during the war. These were his fantasies and to say they were invigorating put it lightly. _They're just passing thoughts that's all_ she told herself as she stood from her bunk. Some warm tea just might help her get some rest at least. It was very late and everyone was asleep so she didn't make an effort to cover herself further. All she wore was a nightgown Inara had given her before she departed from Serenity, again. It barely covered her thighs! She made her way to the kitchen quietly and started to brew some fresh tea. That warm fuzzy aroma started to fill the room and she made herself comfortable in a nearby chair with her knees drawn to her chest. She closed her eyes for a moment and another vision flashed across her mind and she quickly came too. _This has to stop_ she thought helplessly. At this rate she wouldn't be getting any sleep if she didn't figure something out. She tiredly ran her hand through her shortened hair and sighed aloud.

Why was this happening all the sudden? Why couldn't she close her eyes without seeing what he saw? Why couldn't she distract herself from the way he smelled when they both occupied the same space? Or how his muscles flexed? And the way he flexed his jaw with he was vex about something…it was too much sometimes. He drove her up the wall and didn't even know it. "I'm crazier than I thought…" she said aloud.

"Somethin' wrong lil' one?"

She jumped from her seat her nightgown barely falling to mid-thigh and she suddenly felt naked under the Captain's gaze, an intense gaze at that. She froze, couldn't move, couldn't think as he stared at her. "N-no…I was just…" she mutely motioned at the brewing tea then hastily bolted for it to give herself something to do other than stand before him like a bumbling idiot. _Good thing he can't read your mind_ she thought thankfully. Cause if he knew about her _crush_ if you want to call it that he'd probably ignore her at every turn and engage Captain mode every time they had to speak.

"Can't sleep?" he said more than asked as he walked past her to the couch. As he passed he let his eyes look up and down her body. _Damn girl ought not wonder round the ship dressed like that_ he thought.

She tried not to stiffen as he walked past her to take an exhausted seat on the couch. She could feel his eyes on her bare legs and she wanted to bolt from the room. Not because he was looking at her, hell no, but it made her want to…no, not a good idea at the moment. She liked it when he looked at her like she was the only woman in the verse though. She didn't feel so crazy and out of place when he looked at her like that. Made her feel beautiful and wanted by someone other than Simon. Not that she was self centered but no man except her brother ever paid her any attention. There were others when they were planet side that would leer at her and make comments but their thoughts always frightened her. The things they thought about doing to her would make even Jayne cringe with disgust. But Mal, his thoughts weren't so vulgar. Everything was mutual and not to inflict pain or to just take what he wanted. Some of his thoughts made her blush but the feelings that associated those thoughts are what appealed to her.

"I'm okay," she finally acknowledged softly taking the tea off the stove. "Would you like some?" she asked carefully.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Yeah…" he said it so slowly he sounded like he was ready to fall back to sleep.

She prepared their cups then carefully handed his to him and sat on the far opposite side of the couch with hers. She started to bring her knees to her chest like usual but with her current attire she stopped herself and just crossed her legs. She only felt uncomfortable because she didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

Mal watched her fiddle with a comfortable position and almost dropped his tea when her gown slipped further up her thighs. _Gorram woman…why in the verse did Inara give'r that damn thing? _If Jayne ever so her runnin' round with it on Mal was sure he'd have to chunk him in the airlock.

She brought the cup to her lips and took a small sip. She had no idea what he was thinking right then. She made a promise to him and herself that she would never willingly venture into the crew's minds without their permission to see what they were thinking. It was rude and everyone deserved to have their secrets. They all understood that sometimes she couldn't help what she saw, heard, or felt. If the feeling was powerful enough it would be a lot like a slap to the head in her mind.

Although, he had a sneaky suspicion what had her up late, but he wasn't about to broche that conversation with her. What would he say? _Sorry River, but I have these mind blowing dreams where I slam you against the wall of your bunk and take you while you scream my name. Or, during supper I drop my fork and crawl under the table to get some dessert. _No, that was not something he ever planned on discussing with her.

They sat in relative silence till River cleared her throat and sat up strait. "I think I'm gonna try to turn in now, goodnight," she gave him a soft smile and quickly stood and placed her cup in the sink and left the room before he could comment.

He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as soon as she left sight. He knew as soon as he went back to bed he'd dream about her again and most likely wake her up again. He felt terrible but exhilarated at the same time. It was obvious she knew about the dreams or she wouldn't have been so nervous around him, but he'd been around enough women to know it wasn't a frightened kind of nervous, no, she was nervous in a shy kind of way. She was curious but didn't know how to ask about them.

"I'm goin' to hell in a hand basket…" he mumbled.

River rushed into her bunk and closed the door and practically jumped into bed with her knees drawn to her chest. She closed her eyes and tried to calm her racing heartbeat. _They're just dreams River they don't mean anything he doesn't look at you that way._ She knew better though. He at least found her physically attractive that was obvious, but whether or not he would ever act on that attraction was an entirely different matter. The likely hood of him ever acting on his wants was slim because he still looked at her like the broken seventeen year old that hitched a ride with him years ago in a cryochamber. That was all she'd ever be to him. The thought saddened her and tears stung her eyes as she let her head rest against the wall.

All she ever wanted was to be loved and love in return. She wanted what Zoë had with Wash. What Simon has with Kaylee.

"But it's something I'll never have," she said with sadness. "He'll never see me from what I am, but what I was."

For the rest of the night each thought of the other…but never found one another.

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Let me know what you think, please. 


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